In Keanu's Defense...the Snus of the Day...

I'd like to state a fact here, if I may. Keanu Reeves is NOT - underline the word NOT - a terrible actor. I have heard this countless times from countless sources. Keanu Reeves is not a terrible actor - nor is he portraying Ted in every movie he's in...and for those of you playing the Home Game, that's Ted as in "Bill & Ted" - that half-witted rocker dude from the "Wyld Stallyns" who feels the need to perform his haunting rendition of the air guitar after every so many rock-related quips. He is so not that guy in every movie he is in.

His low point may have been Bram Stoker's Dracula, the amazingly fantastic classic horror film in which he plays the ill-fated, not-so-British Jonathan Harker. I admit that this man probably couldn't English-accent his way out of a paper bag, but I'll also boldly admit that he met my criteria for a classic performance: he was convincing - the single most important part to any aesthetically viewable fictional character, in my mind at least. The fact that he managed to be convincing with an utterly failing English accent should speak volumes of his talent as an actor.

And then, of course, are the 'samers' - those who think he is the same in every movie. It isn't always that he is viewed as constantly portraying Ted, it's just that he is viewed as sounding, looking, and acting the same in every movie he's in. I guarantee anyone who can watch "Point Break", "Bram Stoker's Dracula", "Speed", "The Matrix", "The Day The Earth Stood Still", "The Lake House", "Something's Gotta Give", "Constantine", "Little Buddha", "The Watcher", "A Scanner Darkly", "Johnny Mnemonic", "The Devil's Advocate", and "Hardball" in one consecutive marathon and STILL think that Keanu Reeves is a worthless, one-dimensional, Ted-playing actor, should not only be shock treated and brained a few times, but should have a look at another actor...

...Matt...Damon...

Has anyone ever really watched a marathon of HIS movies?! This guy LITERALLY IS the same guy in every movie he's ever done. The scary part is this...it's not that he's portaying the same CHARACTER in each of his films...it's that he's portraying Matt Damon in each of his films. If anyone's ever watched "Dogma", "Good Will Hunting", "The Talented Mr. Ripley" (which I actually liked, but will still use it for the purposes of this routine trashing), "The Brothers Grim", and "Saving Private Ryan" in a row in one day with even half of their brain active, they would know that what I speak is the truth. In each of his films, there is no character...it's just Matt Damon reciting dialogue with a cocky swagger...and that's it - you talk about being one-dimensional...at least that's better that than being NO-dimensional.

This man has obtained Golden Globes, Oscars, a very undeserved Star on the Walk of Fame, and was even named Sexiest Man Alive by People Magazine. Honestly, wake up folks.

Bottom Line: Keanu Reeves is a great, convincing, MULTI-DIMENSIONAL, cult classic actor who can always perform amazingly and yet still have no great award to show for it. AND Matt Damon is a worthless, unconvincing, no-dimensional, self-emulating actor who has tons of awards and legions of blindly loyal fans who, to this day, continue to graciously and lovingly suck the long-since-dryed-up Good Will Hunting teat.

This brings me to a side note. Chris Tucker...

...will someone tell me how the hell this man managed to become one of the highest paid actors of all time and get a Star on the Walk of Fame after only doing maybe 7 or 8 total films in the process of almost 20 years? Honestly, folks, the Rush Hour movies were not that damn good. If you ask me, his only truly great roles were Smokey (Friday) and Ruby Rhod (Fifth Element). I honestly can't wrap my head around this one.

Hey, does anybody remember when Mariah Carey was a good singer? Yeah, neither do I.

In lieu of what happened over this weekend, I'd like to start a new blog series on here called "The Snus of the Day". I shall foster this idea and tell you all what becomes of it. Stay tuned!

-abrupt ending-

Hey, what ever happened to...?

...Mel Brooks

It's true that we haven't seen a lot of him lately. I know that he isn't dead. I know that quasi-recently, he created "Spaceballs: The Animated Series", which is broadcast on G4 TV and some Canadian channel. I know that the series is going to see a DVD release this year at some point. I also know that he wrote, composed, and directed the recent "Young Frankenstein: The Musical". Although he has been somewhat "lime-lit" in recent years, I ask the titular question because he hasn't divulged any new films in quite a long time. I mean, this was one of the most iconic comedic madmen in film history. From "Silent Movie" to "Blazing Saddles" to "History of the World Part 1" and all the way up to "Spaceballs" and "Robin Hood: Men In Tights", this guy came up with some of the funniest films I do believe I have ever had the privilege seeing.

The spoofy 'MOVIE' movies that we've been dealing with today are becoming quite redundant and well...stupid. The only one of that long line of crap that was even remotely any good was "Not Another Teen Movie" - the very first one. The Scary Movie titles are especially painful (although I will give a little due credit...the first one was actually funny). Being that I am an avid horror movie buff (and somewhat of a historian at that), I think if you're gonna do it...do it right (I cite Mel Brooks' original "Young Frankenstein" as my source). I think perhaps Mel Brooks should return to the helm of comedy one more time and show these people just how it should really be done.

On a relevant side note...did anybody watch the Comedy Central Roast of Joan Rivers? I found it incredibly peculiar that no one in the entire building (namely, the roasters) mentioned Spaceballs. It was almost as if nobody there had actually ever seen the movie...

...Great Horror Movies

I think there is an old saying that applies itself very well to this next topic: "They just don't make'em like they used to". This statement is (unfortunately) very true. It's like film makers today have just lost the edge, you know? It's like too many of them are just in it for the money. I've watched a number of interviews with some of the older and more venerable directors in horror cinema - people like Richard Donner, Wes Craven, John Carpenter, Clive Barker and others. They all made their respective films with the expressed intent of scaring people to the point that they either clung painfully to the person next to them or just ran screaming from the theatre all together - but mostly to just scare them. You know, to make people lose themselves in a great story...to believe that these things could really happen to you...and to make you subsequently check in your closets and under your beds and say a few prayers before you went to sleep.

Nowadays, people are running from the theatre for a different reason. The films aren't scary anymore. I think my cousin put it right on the nose when he said that people have just become so desensitized to films these days. Personally, I think this is because we've just been re-introduced to the same re-hashed material over and over again. I mean, this does, afterall, seem to be the "Year of the Remake". Another problem is that we don't have any real visionaries in the business today. Nobody's churned out any fresh or new ideas (I promise that if I ever get into the business, I WILL make horror movies scary again).

Now, I will admit that there have been a couple of legitimately scary films that have come out in the last few years. The 2003 remake of "the Texas Chainsaw Maasacre" was really good. 2004's "Exorcist: The Beginning" was absolutely terrifying. More recently, two films came out last year, the first of which wasn't very scary, but it was something new and different. Those films were "Midnight Movie" and Clive Barker's "Midnight Meat Train". The Midnight Meat Train was spectacular...but then again it is Clive Barker.

The exception to all of this, good people, is Rob Zombie...and the two Halloween films that he has graciously created in his own image (wow, it just got biblical for a second there). I believe that Rob Zombie is steadfastly re-defining horror cinema, whether he knows it or not. His first couple of films were groundbreaking (whether anyone will admit it or not), and of course I speak of 2003's "House of a 1000 Corpses" and 2005's "The Devil's Rejects", both of which brought with them a new level of gore and a rather cool 'psychadelic' feel (something of a Zombie signature) to the proverbial horror film table. Needless to say, I am anxiously awaiting further projects from him. (P.S. he has a new album coming out this year).

In a final note, the badass rock n' roll Anti-Christ Marilyn Manson is soon to be making his directorial debut with his film "Phantasmagoria: The Visions of Lewis Caroll", a film that he claims will re-define the horror genre. Now, I've read a lot about it and I have the promotional poster as my wallpaper on this computer, so at least it seems like it's going to be good. I am certainly looking forward to this one and hopefully, it won't disappoint. Of course, if his music and image are any indication, I really don't think I have to worry about being disappointed LOL.

Ladies and Gentlemen, I hope you have enjoyed tonight's in flight movie...

Strange Goings On...And Other Useless Tidbits...

It's certainly been an interesting week thus far. I've been getting some feedback on the places of employment to which I am applying...namely Best Buy and Books-A-Million - which is, I must say, quite awesome. Hopefully something good comes of it...if not...I keep applying elsewhere.

Today, I took Facebook's "Which Marvel Superhero Are You?" Test. I was pretty shocked and deeply amused when my results came back as none other than Jean Grey. I must say I looked damn good after the sex-change, too. The little bio beneath the result picture said I am "a tough woman, not to be messed with - and I can take a man apart with only my mind". LOL.

I took the test a second time before publishing the results and this time the results came back as Gambit. Needless to say, I published it thereafter.

At any rate...

I want to take a little time now to post my own personal review for Rob Zombie's Halloween II (RANDOM!).

To say that I simply looked forward to this film would be something of an understatement. I've been a die-hard fan of the Halloween franchise for as long as I can remember. I own every film. I know every in and out. I'm one of the many who do so look forward to a Producer's Cut of Halloween 6. I am a FAN. So anyway...I took my seat at the Regal Cinemas Stadium 16 theatre and prepared myself for the sicktasticness that was about to follow. Once what would be the opening credits came on, I knew I was in for a ride. Now obviously I'm not going to go into detail here, but suffice it to say the movie was so much better than I ever dreamed it would've been. From open to close, it kept me on the edge of my seat...and even managed to send a chill or two down the spine.

One thing a lot of people have already said (and will continue to say) is that the movie was wrong for not having the classic John Carpenter score in it, save for one small overture during the end credits. I can honestly say that the film, a horror film / sequel to a re-imagining, did its job to the very extreme without Carpenter's haunting melody. Fans and skeptics alike would do well to remember one very important thing...this is Rob Zombie's Halloween...not John Carpenter's. Rob Zombie (very brilliantly and successfully) created a film that will become the stuff of horror movie legend and also managed to create what so many film makers lack these days in the horror industry...an amazing experience. I like to think that I know enough about horror to know that what I speak is truth and that I'm not just blowing a bunch of smoke.

One truly captivating (and terrifying) element was Scout Taylor-Compton, who, in all honesty, usurped the mantle of scream queen from Jamie Lee Curtis, without doubt or second thoughts. She took the character of Laurie Strode through a haunting metamorphosis that not only left my jaw on the floor by the end of the movie, but actually scared me enough that I couldn't sleep afterward.

Next, of course, is the Shape...Michael Myers. You know, still to this day, the only movie to do more damage to me than "the Omen" was the original Halloween II (most of which involved the Shape stalking the halls of Haddonfield Memorial Hospital). What made it so scary was A). Michael Myers and B). It took place in a hospital, something I had become terrified of as a kid due to my own life experiences. I can still hear that old electric organ churning out Carpenter's classic theme. Needless to say, when I saw Rob Zombie's Halloween II a few days ago, that little boy was in the theatre with me. Believe me when I say (without giving away any details) that Tyler Mane portrayed a truly horrifying Michael Myers.

So to all you horror fans out there, if you want a truly empirical experience...purchase a ticket to see Rob Zombie's Halloween II.

On a side note, though...one thing that made this movie kind of special was that I saw it with my cousin. He and I are pretty avid horror fans (and to tell you the truth, if it wasn't for him, I wouldn't be into a lot of the facets of pop-culture that I am today...so if not for Jack, I'd be a brain-dead realist like my Dad LOL), so it was definitely interesting for me to have both of us see this film for the first time together. Unfortunately, the movie was so amazing I didn't really pay him a whole lot of mind...which is cool, because he was probably in the same position ;)

At any rate...that concludes this evening's ramble...stay tuned!

A First Time For Everything...

Salutations...

Well, since I've heard nothing but good things about this site, I figured I'd give it a try. It's pretty healthy to be able to alleviate things from one's chest every now and again. First on the docket though, a little bit about this account.

In case nobody's figured it out by now, Lenore Bay, NJ is a fictional location...one that I have created for use in a story that I currently have under pen - a story that I would one day like to get published. It's called "Nevermore", and it is my way of paying homage to one Edgar Allan Poe, one of my two all time favorite authors (the other being Clive Barker). The story follows the life of a man named Jakob Allan and his downward spiral to and rise from the throws of grief and loathing...the events therein bringing him to become a dark hero of sorts. And I promise this is of no relation to Batman.

At any rate, I thought I would start a blog on here as a way to convey my feelings about movies and just random bopkus in my life in general...but mostly just movies LOL.

Alright kiddies, that concludes my introduction for today...stay tuned for the next post!